Resident Evil: Retribution

You got to love that tagline.  Like what were the first 4 films about then?

 

     If there is one thing any nerd has grown to know, is that you have to take film adaptations of your favorite video games with a grain of salt.  The prospect of seeing your favorite characters or story playing out on the big screen can seem like an awesome idea, but we've learned that this is mostly never the case.  There have been great video game film adaptations, but for every Silent Hill, there is at least 10 Super Mario Bros. out there.  Resident Evil: Retribution falls into the center of this spectrum as it does some things right and some things wrong.  (WARNING, to summarize the plot to Resident Evil: Retribution, I have to give away the ending to Resident Evil: Afterlife, so here is your Bruce Willis SPOILER ALERT).

Bruce Willis was SPOILER ALERT the whole time.

 

     Resident Evil: Retribution picks up right where the forth film left off.  Alice (Milla Jovovich) has just dealt a blow to the Umbrella corporation, the ones responsible for the zombie apocalypse, by defeating its head, Albert Wesker.  However, Umbrella's massive army has appeared and captures Alice.  She wakes up trapped in a large testing facility in the middle of the Arctic.  Alice escapes her cell and finds that Umbrella is now under the control of the Red Queen, a malevolent AI that she destroyed in the first film.  She soon meets up with Wesker's right hand woman, Ada Wong (Li Bingbing), who wants to help her escape and meet up the rest of her team already entering the lab.  Now the two groups have to traverse the zombie infested facility and escape if they want a chance at defeating Umbrella once and for all.

Unfortunately, "Off with their heads" isn't an option.

 

     Now the term "Jump the Shark" is a major understatement for this film and the rest of the series.  The first movie did its best to stay true to the feeling to the games with its claustrophobic laboratory setting filled with zombies and other monsters.  However, this is all thrown out the window by the forth movie where Milla Jovovich storms a fortress with an army of her super powered clones to duke it out with an even more super powered evil CEO.  Needless to say, the films aren't striving for a sense of realism or a resemblance to the games.

An artiest rendition of these movies just not giving a F***.

     While this may displease the game's fans, I find it to be a good thing in this case.  Part of the reason why video game adaptations fail is because movie studios aren't handling the stories well.  Most of the time, changes are made to the plot and the characters to give it a more "broad" appeal to increase ticket sales, but in the end it only displeases fans and still alienates newcomers.  To avoid doing this, Resident Evil creates an original storyline with an original main character.  Now the writers have more freedom with the story and can still please fans with the inclusion of their favorite characters and monsters into the film.

Then again, that might not always work either. 

 

     Milla Jovovich once again gives a great performance as Alice.  While its not the most well written character ever, it works well for this movie.  It's more focused on her ability to kick butt and make the snappy comebacks on par with any cheesy Schwarzenegger action film.  If women action stars are included as part of the next Expendables outing, Jovovich would fit that bill just nicely.

Arnold would also fit the bill just nicely.

 

     The films backdrop is also surprisingly creative.  The giant lab was used to test the effects of the zombie virus in a controlled environment.  To do this, they placed human clones in replicas of major cities inside these giant domes.  Then they introduce a zombie and see how the virus would spread.  While all that seems extremely convoluted and expensive to do, its part of the reason why Umbrella is so great as a the villains, they show real dedication to being evil.  Anyway, this allows for some great action set ups, for example one team could be fighting an army of zombies in Moscow, while the others dodge giant ax wielding monsters in New York traffic.  Its great to watch and gives us plenty to take in.

A realistic rendition of an Umbrella literally giving a F***.

 

     My one complaint about this movie is that there isn't enough time to give the new characters to develop and show us what they are all about.  They bring back series favorites like Leon Kennedy, Ada Wong, and the famous Barry Burton, known throughout the Internet for his cheesy one liners in RE1.  For example, it is implied in the film that Leon and Ada have "something" between them.  If you didn't play the games, you wouldn't have any idea what the characters are talking about.  To a new viewer, its just like it's there and comes off as forced for no real reason.

Overall:

     This may be the best entry in the series, but it isn't good enough to gain any new fans.  If you didn't like or see the other films, it be best to skip this one over.  If you are a fan however, you're sure to find plenty of over the top action and plenty of the classic monsters with this one.  And the best part yet is that there is a sequel already in the works.

A sneak peek at the Resident Evil 6 Writing process.

The Apparition (Sponsored by Costco)

Incredibly Scary and not at all Lazy... oh wait, got that backwards.

 

     Its been a while since I've been this underwhelmed by a movie.  Despite being a (very) pretentious, amateur film critic who hates all things mainstream, I do try to see the positive aspects to any movie I see.  A silver lining to the silver screen if you will, but unfortunately The Apparition makes doing this really hard.  What we have here is your typical haunting story.  Some people start experiencing weird stuff with their new house, they try to come up with reasonable explanations, and are slowly driven mad by the unknown force haunting them.  It's a story we've seen time and time again with such movies as the classic Poltergeist and the recent The Woman in Black.  Now don't get me wrong, I love these kind of movies.  Horror is probably one of my favorite genres, but The Apparition fails for me because its quite frankly one of the laziest horror movies I have ever seen.

 

Pictured: A scarier movie about ghosts.

 

     The Apparition stars Ashley Green as Kelly, a trypical young adult who recently moved into her new house with her boyfriend, Ben (Sebastian Stan).  The two are enjoying a happy life together as they go shopping at Costco, work nine to five jobs, and even play Street Fighter 4 together (Who plays Chun-li against Blanka?).  However, the two start to notice strange things around the house where plants are dying randomly, wired mold appears around the place, and the furniture seems to move on its own.  Soon Ben's old college buddy, Patrick (Draco Malfoy, I mean Tom Felton), shows up and reveals the ghost to be a being that he and Ben tried contacting once before in school, with disastrous results.  Now the group has to fight the entity while trying to figure out what exactly it is.

 

Now if I had to deal with a Ghost, I'd team up with a former wizard too.

 

     Now The Apparition's main problem is that its about as scary as a bed sheet ghost walking into your living room, going "BOO", and then it taking a seat on your couch shrugging its shoulders saying "Eh, I tried".  Horror is a pretty forgiving genre, its actually kind of hard to scare someone because most horror movies have unbelievable plots that require some work in getting the viewer to believe, at least for the 2 hour run-time, as reality in order to scare.  We as movie goers are used to bad horror movies and in fact, have grown to embrace them with such b-movie gems as Troll 2 or The Wicker Man (2006), but the movie has to at least try to scare us to work.  The ghost in this one never seems to go beyond doing things like moving chairs or opening doors till the very end of the film.  There even isn't that many cliche "it-was-only-a-cat" jump scares and while I would usually praise a film for this, The Apparition gives us nothing, no real reason to be frighten.  It's like the movie just gave up on trying to scare you and its just filling time.

 

Now Nick Cage wouldn't have given up so easily.

 

     Another issue with the movie is its poor structure and writing, the movie starts off with two prologue scenes explaining where the ghost came from.  First there is a seance in the 70's trying to contact a ghost, then it cuts to another seance years later with Ben trying to do the same thing.  Why did they need the 70's scene while the second prologue with Ben served the same purpose?  Its like the writer, Todd Lincoln, just couldn't decided what opener he liked better, so he just used both.  His characters are also just really bland.  Ben and Kelly spend the first 10 minuets of the film spewing out really cliched romantic lines ("Hey", "Hey yourself"), they are playful with each other, and are desperately trying to convince the viewers that they are in love.  Honestly, it made me really, really hate the characters.  The chemistry just wasn't there and they just came off as annoying.  Its kind of a shame because Ashley Green, who played Alice Cullen in The Twilight Saga, was one of the few actors I actually liked from that series (I've both read and seen Twilight, is this going to be a problem?).  Perhaps this was just a misstep in the actress's career, but only time will tell.

 

And if there is ever a movie with convincing on-screen chemistry it's Twilight.

      This is also the second film I've seen Tom Felton in since his role as Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter film series.  The first was Rise of the Planet of the Apes, in which he had a minor role as an abusive monkey prison guard.  I'm not making that up, in fact there is one scene where he is trying to impress some girls, so he takes them to the monkey jail and starts to abuse some chimps.  I don't claim to be very savvy in the ways of women, but I don't think torturing defenseless animals is exactly their idea of a good date.  Anyway, with that and this disaster, it seems Tom Felton is loosing a bit of that movie magic since graduating from Hogwarts (Haha, aren't I so punny).

 

Poor Malfoy, first the monkeys and now a ghost.

 

     There was something I didn't mention in my review of The Watch because I didn't feel like it was worth bringing up, but this movie forced me to address it.  Both of these movies contain product placement for the superstore Costco and normally I don't have an issue with a bit of product placement in movies, after all if a character needed to buy something, they would probably go to a place like Wal Mart.  However, these movies go beyond that because Costco is actually a plot point in both movies.  In The Watch the aliens are using it as a home base while in The Apparition, some major scenes and scares happen there.  I really just want to know why would Costco want to been seen like that.  Seriously, I have never heard of the store, I thought it was a made up place, but then I found out its a real place you can shop at.  Now, for me, Costco will forever be associated with alien invasions, spooky ghost, and worst of all, bad movies.

 

From gardening to kitchens to paranormal beings, Costco has got it all.

 

Overall:

Don't see this movie, seriously, nothing good will come of it.  It's very lazy and it seems that halfway through the film, it just stops trying.  Its an example of how a movie that is written, produced, and directed by the same person can go horribly wrong and I have a bad feeling that this won't be the last time we hear from Todd Lincoln.  The Apparition is one of the worst horror movies I've seen in a long time, and its not bad in a Nightmare on Elm Street Part 6 kind of way, but bad in a bad way.

 

Pictured: Another scarier movie about ghosts.

The Campaign (or That Movie Where Will Ferrell Punches a Baby)

 

I'd Campaign for it.

 

     When you see as many movies as I do, you tend to see the same trailers over and over again.  Most of the time, I completely forget them when the movie starts, but sometimes, there is that one special trailer that either blows me away or annoys the heck out of me.  Unfortunately, its usually the latter.  In fact, when I did weekly reviews for my college radio station, I had to sit through the Madagascar 3 trailer six weeks in a row.  In it the zebra character dresses up like a clown and sings "Afro Circus" for ten seconds.  Needless to say, it was annoying and I think it made me hate going to the movies for awhile.  But, it did make me remember the movie, so the trailer succeeded there.

I'm not afraid of clowns, but I am afraid of Chris Rock.

 

     The Campaign did something a little different to get me to remember it's trailer.  It wasn't annoying or particularly good (Actually, it was leaning towards kind of bad).  It starts out with the basic plot of the film.  Will Ferrell is a congressman up for reelection when Zach Galifianakis steps up to challenge him.  We see a montage of the two of them going at it through the political race.  Will Ferrell gets attacked by snakes, Zach offends a lot of Jewish people, and the two fight a few times.  Then at the end of the trailer, Will Ferrell punches a baby.  He literally (accidentally) punches a baby in the face.  Now that is something that you don't simply forget and even though it does cut away at the last second, a baby was just punched right in front of me.  I couldn't get over it, and after seeing that trailer five times, it became known as "that movie where Will Ferrell punches a baby" with my friends and we had no choice but to see it.  I guess the trailer did its job in getting me to go see the movie, even though it had to punch a baby to do it.

I would never punch a baby to get you to read my blog.  Just another reason why I am a better person than Will Ferrell.

 

     The movie starts out with slick Congressman Cam Brady (Will Ferrell) preparing for his next reelection.  Cam Brady has never had an opponent all five times he ran and thus, wins the seat by default.  However, all of that changes when awkward family man, Marty Huggins (Zach Galifianakis), steps up to challenge him for the spot.  Now the two set off on a campaign that gets more childish and violent by the second and no matter who wins, we all lose.

A photo of Obama/Romney with a caption "Don't they all" is just way too easy of a joke, so instead here is Kevin James and a Gorilla on a roller coaster.

 

      Will Ferrell has always been an hit or miss actor for me.  Every time he makes a movie I love, like Anchorman, he seems to make one I'll hate, such as Kicking & Screaming.  Fortunately, I like him in The Campaign.  He plays the crazy, womanizing, and generally terrible Cam Brady well and the role seems to suite him.  His serious delivery on his strange lines is topnotch and shows everything we love about Ferrell.  However, he isn't perfect in the movie, either.  One of the things I find annoying about Ferrell is when he ab libs his lines.  Many of his movies seem to be written up to allow him room to do this, for example, there is a part in the movie where he is bitten by a snake and he shouts, "Ouch, shove a throwing star up a Chinese monk's ***".  I don't see how that is funny, he is just shouting an absurd line that sounds like he made it completely up.  Ab libing is tricky, it only works when its thought out and when you actually say something funny or relevant to the scene, like Tony Stark's bantering in Iron Man.  It does not work when you shout a bunch of random words and hope you form a joke.

If it were only so, Mr Burgundy.

 

      A big surprise in this movie is Will Ferrell's co-star, Zach Galifianakis.  I wasn't sure how to feel about his character towards the start.  The trailers didn't really do much to get me excited for the character, but he easily steals the show with his portrayal of Marty.  His bubbly, upbeat, and off kilter performance made it easy to side with the pug loving southerner and it makes it all the harder for the viewer to watch when he falls to the dark side of the political game.  His southern accent he puts on is fairly convincing and its impressive to see him maintain it throughout the movie.  There wasn't much to complain about the character and it was a blast watching him.

     The Campaign is easily one of the funniest comedies I've seen in a while (Not saying much looking at my other reviews).  A lot of the jokes worked and this set up is great for a comedy.  We are able to see how the two characters respond to the same situations and its entertaining to watching them trying to one-up the other.  Its a kind of movie that really writes its self.  As I mentioned before, Will Ferrell punches a baby in the face and now here is the context.  The two are just coming out of a heated debate when they spot a baby at the same time.  Its tradition for politicians to kiss baby when campaigning, so the two race to get to the baby first.  Marty is about to make it when Brady comes from behind and raises his fist.  Here it shifts into slow motion, Marty dodges the punch and Brady hits the baby right in the face.  It didn't cut away like in the trailer, you see the fist make contact as the CGI baby's face absorbs the blow.  Now, I'll admit I laughed for  about a second, then stopped and thought, "Is this really alright to laugh at?".  It does seems to be in poor taste, but the whole theater was in stitches from laughing so hard.  I figured it was alright, whether that says something about today's movie going audience is up to you.

They probably would have liked it better in 3D.

 

     For a movie about politics, it surprisingly does not fall pray to making easy jokes or low blows.  The whole thing could have been filled with Obama references or jokes about republicans and other political stereotypes, but the writers instead chose to make the two characters unique.  Their respective parties don't seem to take a role in who the character is, and for the most part, you could switch them and it wouldn't change a thing.  What the movie instead focused on was the issues that affect politics today.  How many politicians seem to mud sling, many of the corrupt aspects in some campaigns, and the fear of big money running the country.  There is a sub-plot, where two rich brothers are funding Marty's platform because they feel like he is stupid enough to control.  The idea of big money funding elections is a relevant concern in today's political landscape and this served as a perfect plot to the film.  It isn't the main focus and this drama does not become preachy in any regard.  It merely points these things out and does not forget that its trying to make you laugh.

Just another reason why The Campaign is a better person than Will Ferrell.

 

Overall:

 

The Campaign is surprisingly better than the trailers made it out to be.  While its no Anchorman, its close.  Its funny, smart, and respectable to portraying both sides of the political spectrum.  If you are looking for something funny to watch, you can easily do worse than The Campaign.

Way worse!!!

The Watch

You'd better Watch out for this one.

     The Watch is a comedy about four guys who form a neighborhood watch to protect their community while having fun at the same time.  It tells it's story through interesting characters, well timed and thought out jokes, and a well paced plot... however, that's when the aliens attack.

Oh sorry, spoiler alert.

       

     The Watch follows Ben Stiller who plays Evan Trautwig, a man who cares deeply for his home town and forms several community groups as his main way of socializing.  After a friend was murdered, he forms a neighborhood watch in order to protect his community.  However, the only recruits he can manage to get are dysfunctional family man Bob (Vince Vaughn), borderline psychopath Franklin (Jonah Hill), and British guy (This is literally the only way I can describe him) Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade).  While Evan wants to use the group to do some good, the other three use it as an excuse to hang out and get drunk.  Eventually, the four make their first bust on some rowdy teenagers and are on top of the world for actually doing something.  Their good time is cut short when they stumble upon an alien bent of taking over earth and soon find out that he has plenty of friends.  Now the four have to band together to overcome the odds and stop this alien menace with their own "unique" style of crime fighting.

I'm pretty sure Stiller knows how to handle some aliens.

 

     Now The Watch is a lot like visiting your favorite buffet when you are absolutely starving.  You fill up your plate and get ready to have your best meal all week.  Those first couple of bites are going to be amazing.  However, over time, you've had more than you could handle, and you just end up feeling pretty sick.  Around 30 minuets into the movie, I thought I was on track for an enjoyable film.  Watching Ben Stiller gathering the rest of the cast was very funny.  We get introduced to each character and learn what their deal is.  We are treated to some hilarious moments and each of these comedy veterans are able to showcase their comedic style we know them for.  For example, when exposed to an awkward situation, Ben Stiller would go into a wide eye shock and slowly try to comprehend the situation, Vince Vaughn would get irritated and yell about it, and Jonah Hill would most likely try to rationalize the situation out, coming to some stupid conclusion that makes sense only to his character.  This is the first movie I've seen Richard Ayoade in and he seems to use a more traditional deadpan delivery, similar to fellow British comedian, Ricky Gervais.  It was a blast watching these four very different guys coming together.  However, like that never ending Buffet, you'll soon get sick of it.

I'm pretty sure that Stiller could also handle overeating.

 

     The main plot of the movie is also it's main problem.  The alien invasion plot comes out of left field and as soon as it becomes the main focus of the movie, it starts to feel clunky and unfunny.  A movie like this really shouldn't have too much focus on the main plot, but rather a focus of the funny situations that happen along the way.  For example, their first bust was a teenager who threw eggs at them.  It takes four grown men to catch and arrest him.  After they do, the spare no expense in insulting him as the turn him over to the police.  This whole scene last around ten minutes, but it is funny the whole time.  The fact they are parading around for beating a high school kid shows how pathetic this watch is, and this was one of the few highlights of the movie for me.  This is what should have been the focus, these kind of odd situations.  I would have loved to see how Ben Stiller would have handled a burglary or bar fight.  As for a main plot, they could have done something much more down to earth (literally), like the watch having to take down the corrupt police department or them having to deal with the mob.  Honestly, anything would have been better than the aliens.  I would like to say that the alien design and puppetry effects were actually quite good and would have fit right in with a Ridley Scott film.

Robin Hood vs. Aliens, now that I'd watch.

 

     Another problem with this movie is the extreme use of vulgarity.  The Watch is certainly more of a guys film, but that doesn't mean that it should use as much phallic jokes and f-bombs it wants.  It was getting to the point where penis jokes and vulgarity were the only jokes in the movie, as though thats all it needs to appeal to guys like me.  Honestly, that is a little insulting.

     The film also tries to take its self seriously at times.  There is a subplot about Even feeling he failed his wife because he is unable to conceive children and hasn't told her.  This is suppose to say something about his character and he makes the community groups so he can deal with it.  With moments like this, it shows Ben Stiller's character is trying to be taken seriously, but you can't really do that after making a couple dozen penis jokes in your movie.

Then again, could you ever take Ben Stiller Seriously?

 

Overall:

 

The Watch starts off strong, there are some really funny moments and all seems well.  Then it falls flat on its face, tripping over its overuse of profanity and clumsy plot.  If a few things were changed around, this could have been an alright comedy.  If someone were to ask me why The Watch is bad, I would only have to use one word.

Dark Shadows

The dark shadows is where this movie should have stayed.

     

     Dark Shadows is the latest film collaboration between visionary filmmaker, Tim Burton and the "Jack of all trades" actor, Johnny Depp.  This time around Depp plays Barnabas Collins, member of an illustrious family who runs the fishing town of Collinsport (I would have went with Barnabas Bay, but who am I to judge).  After two timing his true love and a witch, Barnabas is transformed into vampire, forced to watch his true love kill herself and to top it all off, is locked up in a coffin for entirety.  Centuries later, Barnabas manages to escape his claustrophobic prison to find himself in Collinsport in the year 1972.  He locates his descendents, who no longer have the fortune the Collins had during his time, and helps to rebuild their name while competing with the town rival, Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green), who just so happens to be the witch who cursed him.

 

And I thought my ex was bad.

     

    Now the problem with reviewing Dark Shadows is that it is a lot like reviewing water.  Water by its very nature is dull and bland, but you need it.  This movie is dull and bland, but Hollywood simply needs Burton/Depp.  The two have produced some of the most imaginative and conventional films ever to hit the silver screen.  If it weren't for these two, great films like Edward Scissorhands probably would have not gotten the greenlight.  These movies are a testament to what cam be accomplished if Hollywood steps outside of the comfort zone and take risks.  However, this is Dark Shadows first problem, it doesn't take any risks.  It looks, feels, and sounds very much like past Tim Burton movies.  The sets are super dark and spooky and Depp is playing, yet again, another pasty, wired, dude.  While his acting isn't bad, it just feels all too familiar, like a mix between Willy Wonka, Sweeny Todd, and others.

Now a movie with all of them at once, I'd call it...

The Expendepples?

     

     The plot's pacing jerks around a lot, making it hard to fully follow where the story is going.  Many of the scenes seem to go nowhere, with extended dialog exchanges between characters going way too long.  One particular instance of this is when Barnabas returns to the Collin manor after escaping the coffin and claims to be everyone's ancestor.  The head of the house, Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer), does not believe him and this leads to a long conversation that ends with him convincing her he is a vampire.  There is nothing memorable about this scene, it takes way too long, and it only serves to tell us what we already know.

     Even though the movie is far from perfect, it still was able to bring some enjoyable moments.  First off, the soundtrack is great.  Its composed of several hits from the 70's and successfully complements the film's style very well.  Depp's character, despite being similar to past roles, is still enjoyable to watch as he interacts with  the strange world of the 1970's.  There is a rather funny scene with Barnabas joining a hippy circle.  It turns out his melodramatic Shakespearean way of talking resonates well with the hippies' far-out way of thinking.  Other that these few moments however, the film still has more cons than pros.

     Tim Burtons' movies became popular because they were so different; they offered us something new and showed us that movies don't necessarily have to play by "the rules" to be accepted.  However, since Willy Wonka, I feel that Burton isn't taking risks like he used to and is just conforming to keep a fan-base happy.  As a friend pointed out to me, Burton should probably stop doing adaptations and return to making original stories like Edward Scissorhands.  I have nothing against adaptions; I just think that we need something brand new to remember what we loved about Burton in the first place, after all, a glass of water can also be refreshing.

 

Especially when that water is served out of this.

 

Overall:

Dark Shadows is probably the worst of the Burton and Depp movies.  It’s not very good, a few enjoyable parts, but not enough for a full move.  Unless you really love Tim Burton, and I mean really love him, as in you know The Nightmare Before Christmas line for line in Spanish, I would just Skip Dark Shadows.

 

Now how should I feel about an adaption of a Tim Burton film directed by Tim Burton?